On Floating Through, & Truly Living

Leather wrap bracelet- c/o Payton Woodcraft

Last night I had a little aha moment while talking on the phone to my sister. You know, when something is said and the heavens open and pour out this little nugget of sense that ties everything together just perfectly. I felt enlightened, and what the best part of it is, the statement itself that brought all the fuzzy feelings and clarity wasn't even a profound statement at all. My sister simply said,
"It's because you're actually happy."


We were talking about a couple of things going on in my life, and how I have reacted to them.
They aren't anything big or major, and honestly are actually really little things, but there's been a difference in the way the outcomes have been. The past couple of years I've noticed a change within myself, but I haven't been able to quite put a finger on it. I've attributed this change to things like my growing relationship with God, overcoming my shyness, finding the love of my life, graduating college, doing work that I love, etc, etc, but never pulled the thread together of what all of these things have in common.
They have made me happy. Unbelievably happy.


Now, it's not like I was a miserable scrooge of a person before. If you bring up  my teenage years my mom might completely disagree, but in general, I was not a miserable person. In fact, I thought that I was happy. Except for moments like when I took my parents car out under age and ended up running it through the garage. Those consequences were anything but happy. But we can't all be perfect, right?
When I allowed myself to be in crummy relationships, procrastinate school work and stay out until the wee hours of the morning with fun friends, skip church some weeks to go to I-Hop, allowed myself to be arm candy and float through life, I thought that was just how the way things went. That was happiness, and I had to make the best of it. I had watched so many people float through life with no real rhyme or reason, and that is just how life was supposed to be lived. I had goals for myself that I knew I'd eventually reach, and I'd say I was a good person, but I just wasn't living.


I can tell you the exact day when I actually started living. It was September of 2009. I had been home from my mission for a couple of months, and was experiencing the burn out of a lifetime. While on my mission, I had been filled with this high of purpose, joy, and accomplishment. When I came home,
it was like someone duck taped my eyes shut, took me out to the middle of a desert and then gave me a stick and told me to go find the pinata. Except they just left me there, and there really was no party.
Every day my heart felt shattered. I didn't know if it would ever end, or if I'd ever heal. So I tried to feel happiness and tell myself that I was indeed happy, but you can only lie to yourself for so long.
So there I was, sitting in a room, praying to God in tears. And by tears I mean I was so completely broken down that I was shaking with hard, long sobs that physically hurt me. I was praying for hope, for peace, for comfort... anything. I knew that I couldn't live another day in the state that I was in.
And then it happened. A man, from out of nowhere, came walking up to me. He said that he didn't even live here, but was visiting from out of town. He said that he didn't know why, but he felt compelled to come and tell me something.
"I don't know what you're going through, but God does. And I feel strongly to tell you that your trial will be over very soon, and you will be filled with happiness."
And then he smiled, and walked away. Like an angel. Maybe he was.
And in that moment, I felt what I had been praying for. I felt peace.

Throughout the next couple of months I held on to what that man said to me. I believed him like I had never believed anything else before in my life. I started to do things throughout my day with his promise in mind, that I would soon be full of happiness. During that time my relationship with God grew exponentially, I learned more about who I was, and I became really strong. Those months set a foundation for my life.
Those months changed me in a way that I had never before been changed.
My pain actually caused my healing.


After that, things started to fall into place. And now I sit here, happy. 
But here's the thing about it all, I still have as many trials as I did back then. Some are the same,
some are new ones, and some I like to pretend aren't there but really they're creeping over my shoulder at any given time. Some days, like today, I wake up panicked because I have so many things to do that I feel I am doing no good at any of them at all. And for a moment I question myself. Sometimes that moment of question can last for a week, or a month at a time. But in the midst of it, I still feel happy.

I feel happy because I have made choices that make me happy. I have followed what my heart has always wanted, but took me a while to find the courage to do. I've felt what it is like to really live, and I could never go back to how it was before. Even though things get scary, and every day brings a new challenge, my heart has followed my purpose in life. And when you find the courage to do what you were created to do,
happiness follows. Things still plain out suck sometimes, but now you're living. 


And I'd rather have things suck sometimes while I'm truly living,
than have them suck while I'm just floating through.